Loving the Least of These

Sorry I havent updated in a while...Its been very, very crazy week.

This past week and a half has been very rough on my heart. I guess its finally sinking in that Im home, now that Ive had the chance to see everyone, and the excitement of coming home has past, its back to reality. Let me back up a little by saying that last year when I came home from Honduras it wasnt easy, I thought a lot about what my future held, and if maybe later in life when I had grown up, I was supposed to move to Honduras. I eventually starting feeling that I was called to be there...but knew that I still had quite a while before I had to make any real decisions, or committments, but again, it all almost seemed to be a fantasy, because I still had a couple years. To say the least...this year has been twice as hard. This year, I cant say that I still have a few years to make the decisions about my future, I have a few months. That being said...

This year, when we took the GC group to the airport for them to fly home, I found it a lot harder to say goodbye than I had ever imagined it to be. It wasnt that I wanted to come home with them { because quite frankly I didnt} but at the same time, I wanted them to stay there with me. As they finally were going through security and walked down that hallway as the rest of us stood on the other side of the glass window, I watched as one by one my brothers and sisters got to the end of that hallway, and they each turned around to wave back to us for the final time, with tear filled eyes, they continued down the hallway to get to their gate. And as I stood there watching through the glass, as the last few { which happened to be the few that I have grown closest to} faded down the hallway..tears filled my eyes, as I realized that my life could be filled with these goodbyes, the hardest goodbyes. It had finally hit me, see I never would have imagined it to be as hard as it was, I always thought that I would be fine with leaving, and I guess its easier to leave the states than it is to watch your brothers and sisters leave the place that has stolen a piece of their heart, and a HUGE part of yours. Something is way harder about that.

So coming home to the states this year has been so much harder than last year. This year I realized that in a few months, Im going to graduate, and I have some huge decisions to be making right now. This has really been bothering me especially the past week and a half. Its harder this time because I feel like Im called to be in Honduras, and now I know how hard its going to be to be there, and its not even just living there, because I LOVE being there and I do want to live there, my heart is there, its just that I caught a glimpse of how hard its going to be to live without a few people who I've grown to love over the last two or three years, and a few of those that I feel like Im emotionally attached to, and I dont know how I could do life without them being there right beside me all the time. It would be totally different for this heart to only see them once or twice a year, instead of three or four times a week. The thought of that scares me, and right now I cant even think about it without crying. And now that Im home and spending a lot of time with these friends, I really cant imagine what its going to be like not seeing them, and it feels like with everyday that I spend time with them, its going to make it that much harder to do life without them right there with me. Im learning to cherish the precious moments that I have with the people that I love, Im finding that its not the big things that are going to mean so much to me, but the little things, the conversations, the encouragement, the hugs, making cookies with my girls, things like that are the things that Im cherishing the most right now. Its so hard right now, because I know this is what Im called to do, and shame on me if I let my fear get in the way of Gods plan for my life.

All of this scares me, but I think what scares me the most right now, is the thought of what if I dont go? Will I regret it later when Im 35 with kids, a career, and a nice house? I dont want to look back and feel like that. I dont want to wonder what would have been different if I had just trusted God with my future, and wonder what my life would look like then. But at the same time it scares me to even think about not seeing all the people that I love as much as I wish. These two things terrify me, and thats hard because my heart is torn. I so badly want these two kingdoms to collide, and I pray that someday they do, and I wont have to choose between the people that I love, and the place that has stolen my heart, and that Im called to be in.

Of the almost three weeks Ive been home the last three or four days have been the hardest on my heart. These past few days I have really been feeling a battle going on inside the walls of my heart. I sooo badly want to be in Honduras..thats where my heart is, but once again...Ive been questioning whether I can do life there without my closest brothers and sisters here. Thinking about living without them has left me in tears a whole lot the past few days, and Ive never considered myself a "weepy" person before, but the smallest thing leaves me in tears these days. The past few days...I could really feel the devil getting into my head trying so hard to convince me that I cant do it at all. Which I know isnt true...but sadly, he almost had me convinced of his lies. Ive had to keep reminding myself constantly that- My heart is spoken for-the devil cant have any part of it. I know that going through this will only make me stronger...but its hard. My heart was in some scary places this week...places that I never thought it would get to, places I hope I never find myself again. I never want to question God, and this week I feel like thats exactly what Ive been doing. I know that if Im called to Honduras then He will take care of me, and Ill be ok- it wont be easy, but Ill be just fine, and I know that I will LOVE every minute of being there, after all, its the place that has stolen my heart.


- Sam

Ill try to come up with something to write about later.


- Sam

This is a post that I started on Sunday, and just got the chance to finish.

This morning in church I found myself feeling very uncomfortable, as I sat in my comfy little pew. I couldnt exactly pin-point what was wrong, until the sermon started that just so happened to be about missions. Then it hit me, as I sat there looking around the auditorium, seeing all the fake smiles, the dazed stares, the bored minds, is this what church has become? Really? It seemed so fake to me, it took everything within me to engage in the worship. Maybe its culture shock, I dont know, but it just doesnt seem like this is what Jesus had in mind. Get up early on Sunday morning, go to church, sing songs, obey all the rules, pretend to have it all together when someone asks how you are...this is church? Im having a hard time believing that it truly is. To me, true worship looks a little more like Gods children building a house for the homeless, or giving someone food who has none, or loving on a little orphaned kiddo, not sitting in an air conditioned building, in a comfy pew, pretending..faking my way through "church". Shouldnt we be doing something instead of just sitting around? Maybe this is why I've grown to love missions, I love seeing faith in action, not words. I love being in Honduras because everywhere you look people are doing something, something worthwhile, thats going to make a difference. This is what I think Jesus had in mind. I love my church, dont get me wrong, theres a lot of good things going on at my church, but sometimes I just wonder if the church in general is cheapening the cross by the way we represent it to the outside world. I dont think people who come to visit our churches are really going to believe that we have faith if we are just sitting around, pretending to have it all together, and proclaiming the gospel with our lips. We're living in a world that is ready to see change, ready to see people taking action, we need people to do something rather than just talk about doing something. Shouldnt the church be the first ones to step up and take that action?

'Dear friends, do you think you'll get anywhere in this if you learn all the right words but never do anything? Does merely talking about faith indicate that a person really has it? For instance, you come upon an old friend dressed in rags and half-starved and say, "Good morning, friend! Be clothed in Christ! Be filled with the Holy Spirit!" and walk off without providing so much as a coat or a cup of soup—where does that get you? Isn't it obvious that God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense?
I can already hear one of you agreeing by saying, "Sounds good. You take care of the faith department, I'll handle the works department."
Not so fast. You can no more show me your works apart from your faith than I can show you my faith apart from my works. Faith and works, works and faith, fit together hand in glove.'
- James 14-18


- Sam

Donna with Brayan, Saul, and Cindy at Casa.



















I miss this girl at TON!
















Rudy, Marvin, and Luby





























I miss these precious times...















Fransisco being cute as always!














Me and Fransisco














Me and Maryuri













How precious are they?












Yovani and I at Casa












I miss this really bad.

- Sam

Im back home, but wishing I was still in Honduras.









...Ill post pics later.



- Sam

I cant believe its almost over. It just doesnt seem real, like this day would never come. We've been planning this Honduras trip since October, and its gone already?!? It seems like I just got here, and now the GC group is already gone, and Im leaving tomorrow. I cant believe it. I dont want to leave. I could never get enough of this place. Im going to miss these kids sooo much, and the little things, the precious moments. Im going to miss the tickling matches with Maryuri and her sweet sweet smile, that can make all the troubles of the world fade, and when she wraps her arms around me as she drifts off to sleep. Im going to miss Luby's bone crushing hugs. Im going to miss Fransisco's contagious smile. Im going to miss Katty chasing me down the hall, and her laughter. Im going to miss Mario's craziness. Im going to miss all the adventures we had in Gracie, and the back of the truck. Im going to miss the late nights with JT and Ashley, and all the laughs. Im going to miss the time I get to spend with Nathan. Im going to miss this place!! ...I dont want to leave. I dont think I can wait till next summer to come back, thats a long time.

I dont fully understand why its sooo stinking hard for me to leave this place, I mean I know its mostly because of the kids, and a big part of my heart will never leave this place, but theres just something about Honduras. Maybe its God's way of telling me something...

I cant wait to bring another group down here next year. So many of my friends are wanting to come next year..its going to be awesome. I cant wait!

So Im flying out tomorrow around 11:30 I think. Ill be home around 11:00PM. Im excited to see everyone, but I still would rather stay here. ;) See you all soon.

-Sam

Last night we had 4 of our precious little boys run away. Im going to just type my journal entry from last night because it shows what was going through my head through all of this.

Tonight we had 4 of our boys run away around 8:15Pm. Luby, Brian, Rudy, adn Fitto bolted out the bathroom door and ran. After about 20 minutes{ though it seemed like hours} went by of searching the property and no luck, JT and I got into the back of the truck as Jen drove us out to the main road and we searched. After getting a ways away from the property we saw some men out on thier porch so we slowed and asked if they has seen 4 ninos going this way, and they had{finally some hope!} so we kept driving and searching. What seemed like hours past, and still no sign of our boys, knotts are forming in my stomach, we saw more people out so once again we stopped and asked if they had seen 4 ninos walking this way, and they said they had just saw them going this way, and they couldnt be too much further up. So we went speeding down the road frantically searching the sides of the road. We finally saw what looked like our sweet boys on the side of the road with their thumbs in the air trying to hitch a ride, as we approached we realized it was exactly who we had been searching for. So we stopped and JT and I jumped out of the back of the truck and grabbed our fear sticken boys, though Rudy tried to run, and put them all safely in the back of the truck and brought them home. When we got back we sat them down on the steps, and asked them if they really thought they could live on the 4 t-shirts that they had packed in their backpack, and where were they trying to get, and why did they leave? They informed us that Luby had said that they could go to El Salvador and make "easy money" so they obviously figured that would be good plans for their evening. After a lecture from Jen they were back in their beds leaving us to wonder what we had done wrong to make them want to leave especially when Luby worked so hard to get here. I later went to help get the girls to bed to find that Pamela was trying to escape as well. As I walked into the room I found Ashley cradeling her in her arms as Pamela is screaming aweful things{ and Ill spare you this part}. I found my way into my sweet little Maryuri's bed to lay with her and she wraps her sweet little arms around my neck and stares at me with those big brown eyes that make the troubles of the world just fade away, and I lay there thinking, "why cant it always be this easy? Why cant they all just stay this innocent?" I left the room for a few minutes to help get the rest of the kids in bed and when I returned I sat on the floor by Maryuri's bed, and Ashley starts singing Father God, as we sang, my sweet little Maryuri found her way to my lap, and lays her head on my shoulder, wrapped in a blanket, I held her as close as possible, as I lay there I could feel every breath she took into her little body and as Ashley and I sang Orphans of God tears welled up in my eyes as I held this little girl as close as I could possible get her. I sat there wondering...why would these boys wan to go to El Salvador to make money? I mean, really? But then I remembered, thats what they grew up with, begging on the street to make money. Something inside of me wanted to scream at the people who so badly have messed up these kiddos. They know more stuff than any 8-10 year old should know. But then again...Ive never been desperate, I dont know how far Id go if I were, maybe I would have my kids beg on the street, who knows.

Tonight was a night of fear, stess, heartache, but most of all a reminder that when we run from God he will always search for us until he finds us. We would greatly appreciate your prayers over these boys, and this house. Its going to be a rough week.

- sam

We might be dorks. haha














Some of the sweetest kiddos at Good Shepard!













Darwin at Casitas.
















Life happens, Love helps.















Darwin and Saul











Brian and Rudy with their mom and brothers at vistitation.

Some kids at Casitas.

Luby.















Trouble may run deep, but love always runs deeper.




We took the kids to visitation last Friday...it was a rough day. It was really neat though to watch the kids with their moms. When we first pulled in the kids whose moms were there were practically jumping for joy, screaming, thats my momma! It was cool to watch them love on their moms, but it was hard to watch them have to say goodbye when the time was up. Ill post more stuff later.





- Sam