Loving the Least of These

Sorry I havent updated in a while...Its been very, very crazy week.

This past week and a half has been very rough on my heart. I guess its finally sinking in that Im home, now that Ive had the chance to see everyone, and the excitement of coming home has past, its back to reality. Let me back up a little by saying that last year when I came home from Honduras it wasnt easy, I thought a lot about what my future held, and if maybe later in life when I had grown up, I was supposed to move to Honduras. I eventually starting feeling that I was called to be there...but knew that I still had quite a while before I had to make any real decisions, or committments, but again, it all almost seemed to be a fantasy, because I still had a couple years. To say the least...this year has been twice as hard. This year, I cant say that I still have a few years to make the decisions about my future, I have a few months. That being said...

This year, when we took the GC group to the airport for them to fly home, I found it a lot harder to say goodbye than I had ever imagined it to be. It wasnt that I wanted to come home with them { because quite frankly I didnt} but at the same time, I wanted them to stay there with me. As they finally were going through security and walked down that hallway as the rest of us stood on the other side of the glass window, I watched as one by one my brothers and sisters got to the end of that hallway, and they each turned around to wave back to us for the final time, with tear filled eyes, they continued down the hallway to get to their gate. And as I stood there watching through the glass, as the last few { which happened to be the few that I have grown closest to} faded down the hallway..tears filled my eyes, as I realized that my life could be filled with these goodbyes, the hardest goodbyes. It had finally hit me, see I never would have imagined it to be as hard as it was, I always thought that I would be fine with leaving, and I guess its easier to leave the states than it is to watch your brothers and sisters leave the place that has stolen a piece of their heart, and a HUGE part of yours. Something is way harder about that.

So coming home to the states this year has been so much harder than last year. This year I realized that in a few months, Im going to graduate, and I have some huge decisions to be making right now. This has really been bothering me especially the past week and a half. Its harder this time because I feel like Im called to be in Honduras, and now I know how hard its going to be to be there, and its not even just living there, because I LOVE being there and I do want to live there, my heart is there, its just that I caught a glimpse of how hard its going to be to live without a few people who I've grown to love over the last two or three years, and a few of those that I feel like Im emotionally attached to, and I dont know how I could do life without them being there right beside me all the time. It would be totally different for this heart to only see them once or twice a year, instead of three or four times a week. The thought of that scares me, and right now I cant even think about it without crying. And now that Im home and spending a lot of time with these friends, I really cant imagine what its going to be like not seeing them, and it feels like with everyday that I spend time with them, its going to make it that much harder to do life without them right there with me. Im learning to cherish the precious moments that I have with the people that I love, Im finding that its not the big things that are going to mean so much to me, but the little things, the conversations, the encouragement, the hugs, making cookies with my girls, things like that are the things that Im cherishing the most right now. Its so hard right now, because I know this is what Im called to do, and shame on me if I let my fear get in the way of Gods plan for my life.

All of this scares me, but I think what scares me the most right now, is the thought of what if I dont go? Will I regret it later when Im 35 with kids, a career, and a nice house? I dont want to look back and feel like that. I dont want to wonder what would have been different if I had just trusted God with my future, and wonder what my life would look like then. But at the same time it scares me to even think about not seeing all the people that I love as much as I wish. These two things terrify me, and thats hard because my heart is torn. I so badly want these two kingdoms to collide, and I pray that someday they do, and I wont have to choose between the people that I love, and the place that has stolen my heart, and that Im called to be in.

Of the almost three weeks Ive been home the last three or four days have been the hardest on my heart. These past few days I have really been feeling a battle going on inside the walls of my heart. I sooo badly want to be in Honduras..thats where my heart is, but once again...Ive been questioning whether I can do life there without my closest brothers and sisters here. Thinking about living without them has left me in tears a whole lot the past few days, and Ive never considered myself a "weepy" person before, but the smallest thing leaves me in tears these days. The past few days...I could really feel the devil getting into my head trying so hard to convince me that I cant do it at all. Which I know isnt true...but sadly, he almost had me convinced of his lies. Ive had to keep reminding myself constantly that- My heart is spoken for-the devil cant have any part of it. I know that going through this will only make me stronger...but its hard. My heart was in some scary places this week...places that I never thought it would get to, places I hope I never find myself again. I never want to question God, and this week I feel like thats exactly what Ive been doing. I know that if Im called to Honduras then He will take care of me, and Ill be ok- it wont be easy, but Ill be just fine, and I know that I will LOVE every minute of being there, after all, its the place that has stolen my heart.


- Sam